"Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go..."

(title quote: Boys Like Girls, Thunder)

"I wanna take back all the shit that I have done" - Boys Like Girls, Broken Man

As Mark Twain actually never said, "The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated." I am alive. I still breathe, the same as I did before, yet more conscious of each individual breath. This week has been, what you might call, difficult. Yet, as difficult as it has been for me, I know that I made the week far more difficult for others. I hope that my readers and friends do not give up on me and leave for greener pastures. I truly hope that no one gives up on me!

"And then I fell down yelling 'Make it go away!'
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered 'How can you do this to me?'"
- Blue October, Hate Me

In the summer of 1999, my wife and I moved to a very small, historic city that was removed from the tourist atmosphere of the "Grand Strand" yet still close enough to make the commute to work and to my parents' house. A little over four years ago, as our financial situation became more stable, traffic and road construction grew worse, and we grew tired of a commute, that by then included a Sunday commute to church, we began searching for a new place to live, closer to work, parents, and church. Home prices at "the beach" are ridiculous, so we found a reasonably priced neighborhood about 5 miles from my parents' house, about 7 miles from work, and 6 from church. It was quite centrally located for all of those purposes and it was almost affordable, or at any rate, as affordable as housing could be around here. Since then, we have changed churches, though the new church, where my wife now works, is just as close as the old one, and I have changed jobs. Unfortunately, my new job is about a 40 minute commute from home.

Rather than renting, as we were doing before, or purchasing an existing home, we chose to have a home built for us. This turned out to be quite an adventure. One of the things I remember clearly from that time was the waiting. We selected our lot and our house plan. We selected our siding, roofing, flooring, appliances, lighting, etc. Then, we settled in to watch people build our house (cue the cricket sounds). We drove by almost every day. If we went to visit my parents, we drove by the "house." After work, we drove by the "house." After church, we drove by the "house."

What we were actually driving past many of these times was a lot filled with weeds. Then, one day, we drove past a lot without weeds. After some time, we drove past a lot with large holes dug into it. These holes were the places where the foundation of our house was to be poured. This is where the process seemed to stall. We stared at those empty holes for weeks. Eventually, someone placed small rebar frames into the holes and a small forest of rebar and pvc began to grow. Still, the empty holes gaped. For some reason, our house was not being built in and on those holes that were meant to receive and anchor it.

"How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?" - Paul Sweeney

I am generally not a very patient man. There is a legendary story about my father as a young boy trying to build a balsa wood model airplane with his brother in the garage at his parents' house. His father, and grandfather before him, were builders. They were carpenters. Craftsmen. Many of the houses built in Midland Park and Ridgewood, New Jersey during from the 1890's until about 1980, were built by my great-grandfather, grandfather, or uncle. This uncle, who took over the family business, was the brother that my father was building this model with. At some point, his brother went into the house to get both of them something to drink, while my father continued to work on this model airplane. If you've ever built balsa models, you know that there are hundreds of tiny, fragile, wooden sticks that must be assembled in exactly the right position, held in place with exactly the right amount of glue. The wood is soft. There are jigs to hold things in place until the glue dries. My father is not a patient man either. His brother walked back out into the garage with the drinks in his hand to find a completely crushed and splintered mess of wood and glue and see my father storming angrily down the driveway. Something on the model didn't fit quite right, or dry quickly enough, so my father set it on the garage floor and jumped up and down on it until nothing was left. As I said, he was only a boy at the time. Things have not much improved, and I am the proud heir to this fortune.

"Have patience and endure; this unhappiness will one day be beneficial." - Ovid

Thus, I watched with growing impatience as the building of our house did not progress. At several points during the process, we stopped at the construction/real estate office and made inquiries. There was always some reason that our house was not being built. On several occasions, it rained torrentially. It was, after all, the middle of hurricane season, though fortunately there was no tropical weather during this time. When the rains came, the holes filled with water. It took days for them to dray out. Then, drier weather would settle in, and still no construction would begin. We would visit the office and receive promises of construction starting tomorrow or the next day. Then, the rains would come and we would have to wait for the holes to dry out. Our initial closing date rolled past without much of a house on our sad looking little lot. Construction dragged on into my busiest time of year and we had to extend our time in our rental home. Eventually, the house was completed.

Those simple looking holes and trenches that were dug across our lot that summer would later hold the foundation on which our house was built. Imagine if, after the foundation had been poured and set, something unforeseen had happened to cause great cracks in that foundation that would not allow it to support the house which was to be built upon it. The delays in pouring the foundation the first time had been maddening, the waiting game nearly unbearable. One could only hope that if some unforeseen catastrophe had arisen that necessitated it, the cracked and ruined foundation would have been quickly torn up and a new one dug and poured as quickly as possible.

“When one has finished building one's house, one suddenly realizes that in the process one has learned something that one really needed to know in the worst way - before one began." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Sometimes, the foundations upon which our lives are built develop cracks that prevent them from bearing the load which is to be placed upon them. At these times, the cracked and ruined, broken foundation must be torn up and another one quickly, but carefully laid in its place, quickly enough to prevent the rains from flooding it, yet slowly enough to make sure the ground is stable enough to receive the new foundation.

This week, the cracks in the foundation became painfully apparent. So, it has been torn out. The holes are being dug to receive the new foundation. Steps have been taken to ensure that the ground is stable enough to hold the new foundation and the structure, that reconstructed edifice, that will grow atop the foundation. I can only hope that it is laid before the rains come.

"I belong anywhere but in between
She's been crying
I've been thinking
And I am the Rain King."
- Counting Crows, Rain King

I would like to thank you, my faithful readers for all of your comments, thoughts, and prayers. Thank you A.B. for caring. Thank you for not giving me sympathy. Thank you for empathy. Life is still extremely painful and unsettled. It has been hard, but harder for others even than me. Hopefully, life will be moving forward now. In this post, I said, "I know that, as time passes, I will have business I must do in the realm of my old reality, but I know the importance of not slipping back into the old me to do that business. It is difficult, and I must take the time to grow strong and solidify this new reality before such a thing can even be safely contemplated. I must lock myself into this new paradigm. I am no longer that person." That business has been done, just not as I intended. It is done however, and it is time to leave that past in the past and build that bright future. I hope that is still possible and that it can be even brighter and stronger.

"Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds." - Bhagavad Gita

I can only hope that the worlds I have destroyed can be built back before time slips away. We never know how much time we have in this life. I hope that my mistakes can be repaired before the time runs out, whenever that may be. I will do the best I can from this day forward. The past I cannot change, but I don't want to waste the whatever the future might be, trapped by that past. I pray for release from it.

"I treat the people I love with love because this may be the last day that I can tell you how much I love you. I don't know if I am going to see you again, so I don't want to fight with you." - don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

On the positive side, what little positive there is, my mother called the yesterday, but I was not well enough emotionally to answer the phone. Later in the day, my father called. Friday has become the day we traditionally eat dinner together, but there was no way that was going to work out with all that is going on in my life. At any rate, I spoke to my father, and we have reconciled. Fathers and sons have a unique way of doing that. It doesn't work quite the same for any two other people in the world. It can pass between us without a word being spoken about the wrong that was committed. Some simple sentences like, "Did you see the Mets won last night?" or "Don't forget that 1 vs. 100 is on tonight" can mean "I love you and I'm sorry." If only forgiveness and reconciliation could pass in that way between any two people. The world of fathers and sons is unlike any other realm.

"My friends will ask me how I`m doin`
But I just can`t lie to `em
Not feeling fine today
I saw my dreams they were a
Ship on the ocean now it
Looks like they`re miles away

Miles away

I know there`s always something
We have to go through
That has some deeper meaning but
Right now I just can`t say
I know there`s gonna be a lesson somewhere
I`m gonna think a lot about it later
But right now I`m miles away
Miles away."

- Marc Cohn, Miles Away

I read the entire book last night. No, I'm not talking about the latest Harry Potter. I've never opened a single one of those books. Ouch, stop throwing stones! I'm talking about The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. There was one particular section that really stood out to me. I'm sure it is because of the turn events have taken this week, but I feel the need to share it, so I will do so. If you haven't read this marvelous book, I urge you to spend the $12.95 plus applicable taxes and the 2 hours it may take you to read it (the first time). It is a short, but extremely valuable book. Ruiz says that, "True justice is paying only once for each mistake. True injustice is paying more than once for each mistake."

"How many times to we pay for one mistake? The answer is thousands of times. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. The rest of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. If justice exists, then that was enough; we don't need to do it again. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again. If we have a wife or husband he or she also reminds us of the mistake, so we can judge ourselves again, punish ourselves again, and find ourselves guilty again. Is this fair?

How many times do we make our spouse, our children, or our parents pay for the same mistake? Every time we remember the mistake, we blame them again and send them all the emotional poison we feel at the injustice, and we make them pay again for the same mistake. Is that justice?"

- don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements, pp. 12-13

Reading this last night was profound. It was one of those times when you have to stop reading and just meditate on what you've read for a while. I am really going to do my best to live the 4 agreements in my life to the best of my ability. I may not always be able to do it, but I will do my best. I don't want to suddenly discover that it is my last day and I am still leaping the hurdles craeted by the failings of my past. I have made/am making appointments. I am committed to moving life forward and being a better person than I have been. I am moving forward. I've been shedding my skin. I hope those things count for something. (Re)Construction must begin.

"All of the wasted time
The hours that were left behind
The answers that we'll never find
They don't mean a thing tonight

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape."

- Boys Like Girls, The Great Escape