"Too late to stop myself from falling..." - Roger Daltrey, Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me
Okay, I know. The title quote, as well as the quote above were not written by Roger Daltrey, and his is not the most well known, nor is it the first, version of that song. It was written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin more than twenty years before Daltrey sang it for the soundtrack of a Joel Schumacher film called The Lost Boys.
"Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me."
- Roger Daltrey, Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me
Yesterday, my primary duty at work consisted of organizing and filing the huge backlog of used CD's that we have in-stock, but not previously sorted in any meaningful way. Now, I have always enjoyed organizing my CD collection, so this was not an inherently arduous task. The difficulty was presented by the sheer number of CD's involved. I consumed my entire shift, plus an additional hour working on this project. I alphabetized and sorted into boxes well over a thousand CD's. The presence of most of them on our shelves, especially in our huge, disorganized bin of used CD's and DVD's, would not be missed by our customer, as the vast majority of these CD's are of dubious artistic merit. Many of the artists represented were unknown to most of our staff, and many had resided in this vast CD purgatory for many years. I did stumble across two amazing finds, one of which I felt compelled to purchase.
When I was in high school, I got my first car in 1986. Due to some shattered bones in my foot (another one of my freak injuries - I was babysitting my best friends' little brother and sister when I slipped on some pine straw and got my foot caught under their house... the bones shattered when I fell on my back, bending the foot at an impossible angle just below my big toe), I was delayed in taking my driving test, and then due to a careless driver who nearly slammed into me while he was turning into the parking lot of the DMV as I was concluding that test (automatic failure for near accident, even if it wasn't my fault, I was told), I was delayed from obtaining my license. I finally obtained my license and was able to drive the beautiful old car my dad had bought for me. I loved my '79 Mercury Cougar XR-7. Its appearance was almost an exact match to the photos above, with two notable exceptions. The hardtop was white and I purchased an expensive set of gold rims. Everything else, outwardly, was the same as those excellent photos above.
My Cougar was a car with a lot of personality. It was a huge battleship of a car. It suffered all the scars of a beginning driver with hardly a noticeable change in appearance. I sheared off a bumper bolt on a parking garage pillar when I was working as a "stripper" in a condo (no... get your mind out of the gutter... I stripped trash and linens out of dirty rooms in preparation for the housekeeping team to come in and clean them). I got broadsided by a Camaro while changing lanes one of my first days driving, but we both kept our heads and neither of us stopped driving... we both recovered and kept going with a friendly, if embarrassed nod of "oops" to each other (I spun all the way around, he was unaffected), but my Cougar received only a small horizontal indentation, marked by a line of white paint, just under the driver's door. I actually went out on deserted dirt roads and practiced for all of the driving difficulties that might come my way. I put my car into hard spins driving way too fast, and practicing steering my way out of it. I practiced sliding sideways around turns and practiced steering my way to a stop without brakes. If my mother would've known the things I voluntarily did in that car, she would've died on the spot. I spent a lot of time making myself the best driver I could be, prepared for any situation that might arise. The thought that my practice could be dangerous never occurred to me. I wanted to be a race car driver, remember?
"We learn from failure, not from success!" - Bram Stoker, Dracula
The practice came in handy several times while I had that car. It saved me from the broadsiding I mentioned, from sliding across a bridge while following my father during a terrible ice storm, and from a misjudgement I made in taking a curve too fast (didn't save me from making the misjudgement in the first place though), which caused me to spin all the way around at least three times. When I ended that spin, I was in the middle of an intersection, and I had managed to avoid all the oncoming traffic from both directions.
"No man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and dear to his heart and eye the morning can be." - Bram Stoker, Dracula
That car was fast. I'm sure it had some serious engine problems, as it stalled often, went through three transmissions, and five radiators, but that thing could move. We used to drag race on the empty bus lot of the high school after band practice. A friend set up brackets for the races and kept a leader board. One of my friends actually drove a '69 Chevelle that had been cut and had an El Camino bed added just behind the front seats, fitted with a tow rig (boom and all) and a full drag racing set-up, complete with wheelie bars (yep, you read it right, a drag racing '69 Chevelle/El Camino tow truck hybrid). We had the two fastest cars around.
I also installed about 1,000 watts of stereo equipment in that Cougar. I had separate amps for the front and back, a custom bass box in the trunk, and twelve speakers... including removing the rear armrests and installing armrest speakers in their places. My friend Chad called my car "The Pacemaker" because he said you could throw someone in full cardiac arrest in the back seat and the bass would restart their heart.
"Despair has its own calms." - Bram Stoker, Dracula
"The Pacemaker" was complete with 2/60 air conditioning (2 windows at 60 mph - no other air conditioning) and fully customizable, directional, on-command dashboard lighting. That means that my dashboard lighting consisted of my friend Chad aiming a flashlight at my speedometer whenever I needed to know how fast I was going. The dash lights never worked on that car. You never forget the car of your youth. My memories of my late teen years are extremely intertwined with my memories of that car. Most of the pictures of my from that time are either me in my marching band uniform, or have that car in them. The one time it got toilet papered, my father cleaned up the mess before he went to work in the morning, so I wouldn't wake up and find it. He knew how much I loved that car and that I would have homicidal thoughts towards whoever had dared perpetrate such an act.
"How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no dreads, to whom sleep is a blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams." - Bram Stoker, Dracula
By know, you are probably wondering how I got from Roger Daltrey singing an old Elton John song for a Joel Schumacher film, to cleaning out the CD bin at work, and into reminiscences of my first car. Either that, or you've given up on understanding me at all and are wondering what crazy places my mind will flit off to next. Or, quite possibly, you either didn't notice, or completely forgot about, how far we've wandered down these backstreets.
Some hurt bad some really dying at night sometimes it seemed
You could hear the whole damn city crying blame it on the lies that killed us
Blame it on the truth that ran us down you can blame it all on me...
Trying to learn how to walk like heroes we thought we had to be
And after all this time to find were just like all the rest
Stranded in the park and forced to confess
To hiding on the backstreets...
- Bruce Springsteen, Backstreets
One of my favorite movies of all time was The Lost Boys. Chad and I, who were almost inseparable throughout our high school years, ever since the day we met (he was in 8th grade, I was in 9th, on a band bus ride), have always been fascinated with vampires and Gothic literature. Yes, we were "goths" long before it was fashionable, or required black clothing and dark eye make-up. The Lost Boys was one of our favorite films. We identified with this movie. We were growing up in a strange little beach town in the late 80's where everyone seemed to be living with their secrets and sinister rumors. We were dealing with being outsiders, locals in a tourist town, outcasts from mainstream high school society. We were "lost boys" looking for our own place to fit in.
"Now you know what we are, now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael, and you'll never die. But you must feed!" - David, The Lost Boys
When I found this CD in the used bin, it was like finding gold in a played-out mine. It was insanely cheap, as were most of the CD's in the bin, due to its longevity in the store and our desire to get rid of that huge white elephant of a collection of used CD's. I snapped it up and officially replaced my long since worn-out cassette of this soundtrack. I have amazing memories of oozing down the highways and backroads of this beach town in my old Cougar with this soundtrack blasting from all twelve speakers at near deafening volume. I have fond recollections of all of us "lost boys" (there were about 8 of us in all) in the back of a band bus on our way to or from some long forgotten football game or band competition, singing every song on this soundtrack from memory, as loud as we dared. We even sang the calliope tune To the Shock of Miss Louise, though it has no words.
I've been in a cave
For forty days
Only a spark
To light my way
I wanna give out
I wanna give in
This is our crime
This is our sin
But I still believe
I still believe
Through the pain
And through the grief
Through the lies
Through the storms
Through the cries
And through the wars
Oh, I still believe
Flat on my back
Out at sea
Hopin' these waves
Don't cover me
I'm turned and tossed
Upon the waves
When the darkness comes
I feel the grave
But I still believe
I still believe
Through the cold
And through the heat
Through the rain
And through the tears
Through the crowds
And through the cheers
Oh, I still believe
I'll march this road
I'll climb this hill
Upon my knees
If I have to...
I feel like I...
Like I wanna go home
What do I feel?
What do I know?
But I still believe
Yes, I still believe
Through the shame
And through the grief
Through the heartache
Through the tears
Through the waiting
Through the years
For people like us
In places like this
We need all the hope
That we can get
Oh, I still believe
- Tim Capello, I Still Believe
The feelings carried by this film, and by vampire lore in general are still something I identify with strongly. I grew up as an outsider. I was an overweight geek from New Jersey, transplanted in a southern tourist trap of a town that was, and still is, in itself, a living dichotomy of its Bible-belt location and its sin-city heritage. I was a geek in every aspect; band geek, gamer geek, nerdy fat kid with glasses. I grew up in a town at war with itself. This place had the ability to chew people up and swallow them whole. i had seen it happen to friends and acquaintances. I don't deal well with death, and I watched about one friend or acquaintance per year, on average, die because of this town, from 7th grade on. I watched friends become criminals and addicts.
"Gonna get back to basics
Guess I'll start it up again
I'm falling from the ceiling
You're falling from the sky now and then
Maybe you were shot down in pieces
Maybe I slipped in between
But we were gonna be the wildest people they ever hoped to see
Just you and me
So why'd you come home to this sleepless town
It's a lifetime commitment
Recovering the satellites
All anybody really wants to know is...
When you're gonna come down."
- Counting Crows, Recovering the Satellites
This town is a lot like The Lost Boys' Santa Carla. When I graduated from high school, I was determined to get out. I wanted to escape from here, but it called me back. This town captures its satellites and pulls them from orbit, one by one. Even Chad, who served a distinguished career in the Marines, earning commendations in the First Gulf War, Chad who wanted to become a writer, is back here and working as a manager in the local Game Stop.
"This is just a cover; we're dedicated to a higher purpose. We're fighters for truth, justice, and the American way." - Edgar Frog, The Lost Boys
The lore of the vampire is filled with that inescapable feeling of being an outsider. Vampires are forbidden to walk in the light of day. They are denied the things they loved in life. They are denied the salvation of religion and the peace of death and rebirth into the next world. They can live a life of pleasure and never be satisfied. They live on the life force of others, existing vicariously, if you will, through the memories and experiences of their victims. All around them are damned, destined to be pulled into their web of charm, deceit, and ultimate suffering. By outward appearances, most vampires are seen to be affluent, well adjusted, if eccentric individuals, who seem to be living a life of ease. It is their secret existence as tortured soul and root of evil that governs their life; their thirst for the life essence of their victims that haunts their every eternal moment. The vampire is the ultimate tragic figure. He has become what he is through little fault of his own, except perhaps some weakness of will that seemed trivial at the time, yet ends up damning his immortal soul for all eternity.
"One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach, all the damn vampires." - Grandpa, The Lost Boys
This week now past, has been one of the most difficult and trying times of my life. Of those times, there will be more I am sure. We all spend time adrift and in danger of crashing into the rocks and reefs of life's shorelines. We live one day at a time. We live by faith. We are reduced to our most basic essence. It matters not if the storm that caused us to break free was of our own doing, what matters is our survival, the survival of our very soul. We live on grace. Sometimes, grace is all we have.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
- John Newton, Amazing Grace
This is a difficult and dangerous time of life. Mid-life, this cusp of second-life awakening, seems to be when all of our past mistakes, all the ghosts of our past, come out to haunt our present and future. The dead walk, they escape our memories and our past, they arise to feed on the living. We are all "lost boys" and we hope and struggle to be found.
"We are all drifting reefwards now, and faith is our only anchor."
- Bram Stoker, Dracula
