"My shoes are wearing out from walking down this same highway..."

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." - Alexander Graham Bell

Last night was my appointment with Jeff. I introduced him a little in the last post. The story that sums him up the best is this: When a local television personality was looking for a guest to feature in a show about people who had reinvented themselves, she asked Jeff to be a part of the show. He declined, telling her that he had not reinvented himself, but merely found new opportunities. He has been a Lutheran pastor, a small business owner, a menswear retail salesperson, a hospice administrator and chaplain, and is now in the process of becoming an Episcopal priest. I had the privilege of teaching his son for the first four years of my time at my current school.

“You're focusing on the problem. If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution. Never focus on the problem!” – Arthur Mendelson, Patch Adams

I began by giving him the background on my situation, which was a somewhat more detailed version of my first post. His first reaction was to try to "talk around the problem" (R.E.M. - Fall On Me) We discussed the possibility of a lateral move to another high school, but interestingly enough, most of the directors at the other local high schools were having the same problems with lack of parental and even administrative support. We then discussed the option of moving to a lower level, such as teaching at a middle school. Since there are no local vacancies at this time, and I am not yet willing to leave the area, that makes this possibility improbable. We then discussed the option of going up the chain of command in the school district to address my concerns. I feel that this would make my current employment situation even more untenable. The main thing I noticed during this stage of the conversation was that I was steering the options away from a return to my current position. I came to recognize that I had subconsciously already made my decision.

One of the exercises Martha Beck recommends to help people through Stage One of the Change Cycle is to deliberately think about going back to where you were before and look for any visceral reactions to the thoughts. Yesterday afternoon, I discovered that I had missed a call on my cell phone from my school. The reaction was immediate and intense. I realized that I had a distinct fear of checking the voice mail or my work email. This morning, I forced myself to do both. As I listened through my voice mail, I felt the fear mount. By the time I got to the message from my principal, the stress level was incredibly high. He would like to meet with me Thursday (tomorrow), around 1:30 p.m. I believe this has become my deadline for action. The reason for the meeting could be innocuous (though I find that unlikely, since the last three have not been), related to scheduling or any number of minor, inoffensive issues, or the meeting could concern any number of things that would be related to the situation at hand, such as booster club debt, or the fact that as I was in the mall last Wednesday afternoon, I ran into some students and immediately the parent who has been leading the campaign against me materialized nearby. This would definitely have been cause for an email to my administration, as she has sent an email every time she has ever seen me speak to students in a social setting.

One Friday night near the end of marching band season, there was a severe thunderstorm that prevented the band from traveling to the game, as that particular school has a regulation about bands marching on the field when it has recently rained, and it rained hard. Since the students were going to miss their last football game of the season, the student leaders organized an outing to a movie at the local theater in the mall. The entire band was invited and more than 30 students showed up at the theater. I was also invited, as was my staff, all students at the local college who were also alumni of my program. I attended, as did at least one of my staff, along with several band parents. My principal received an email the next day. When the student leaders attempt to arrange an outing for the band, as I encourage them to do in order to promote unity and team spirit, I have always tried to attend, along with some of my staff, if possible and reasonably convenient. I have now been told that it is inappropriate to do so, even though an informal poll of local directors showed that all of them do the same thing. This makes my sighting in the mall last week, which is the only time I have seen any of my students outside of the school since graduation, a reason for concern.

“If the single man plant himself indomitably on his instincts, and there abide, the huge world will come round to him.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

One of the things that Jeff was impressed with from our conversation last night, was my faith in my own intuition, which I have discussed in other posts. He expected to see more of a broken man, with less faith, than the man he encountered when we met. He told me that I seemed to see this as more of an opportunity than he expected. He paid me a great compliment when he thanked me for our time together and told me that he had learned a great deal, probably more than I had. He told me that I had helped him with some baggage from his life transitions that he had not been able to let go previously. He told me that my gifts as a counselor were quite evident and encouraged me to pursue, or at least give thought to, a career in social work and counseling. He also asked me if I was interested in the ministry, which I am not. We discussed the similarities between the plight of local band programs and the plight of local churches. The organization is similar, and the problems seem to be similar as well. A career in the ministry would be like the proverbial leap from the frying pan into the fire. Also, I just do not feel called to such a career.

So, I believe I have decided to leave my career; the career that has suited me so well for most of the past 14 years. It is a frightening prospect. I have until tomorrow morning to write a well reasoned letter of resignation. I tell myself that just because it's written and I am holding it, doesn't mean I have to present it. I just cannot bear another meeting like the last three. The humiliation, especially of the last one, is more stress than I can take right now. As my title quote from the Traveling Wilburys suggests, I am growing weary of this road. I care greatly for the students, and they would be better served by a director who is not handicapped past past mistakes and prejudices. I know that almost every one of them would say that they want me to return no matter the cost, but if they knew that I would have to be a different person and give them almost no interaction outside of class, no mentoring, no counseling, no fellowship or team building, they would realize that it would not be me that would be returning, it would only be a portion of me. They would be getting me back as a director, but not as a teacher.

Jeff and I also talked about potential career paths. We discussed my love for counseling and my ability to relate to those in crisis or with mental health issues. He even suggested that, as a mental health counselor or social worker, I would be able to help troubled individuals more directly and remove the procedural educational bureaucracy from the equation. We also discussed my writing, which he thought would be served by some graduate work in counseling or social work. He likes to turn difficult situations into entrepreneurial opportunities.

He related the story of a friend who worked as a stock broker. He decided to leave his career behind and only do personal stock consultations while scouring thrift stores, flea markets, garage sales and used book stores for books. He eventually filled his house with used books. When he was ready, he quit doing stock consultations and turned to selling books online full-time. He affiliated his online store with Amazon and now has turned this into his career. He also told me the story of how, when his family was nearing the end of its financial rope at one point, he wrote a business proposal and approached total strangers for financing. He met an older gentlemen who had owned steel mills and presented his proposal, which required $300,000 to finance. The man told him, "Son, I've lost more than that in one day gambling." He got his financing.

“Dreams are the touchstones of our character.” – Henry David Thoreau

Where do you meet these people? I've always wanted to open a full-service hobby shop with separate sections for collectible card games, role-playing games, miniatures, crafting, r/c racing, model railroading, doll houses, etc. It would have to be a large and well-divided space with areas to participate in some of these activities and places to present workshops or classes on them. I saw a similar concept in Wisconsin a few years ago that was as nice as a chain bookstore in front, with classrooms and gaming rooms in back and a large common area for CCG's and even a full-service snack bar. Yet another of my dreams.

It seems I have some work to do in the next few weeks. I have to start with a letter of resignation and some job applications. I need to explore graduate programs, probably online programs. We will need to prepare our house to sell or at least rent out (I have no idea how to do either) and then list it for sale or rent. I also have to tell my family and hope that I am not an "embarrassment" to them. My mother-in-law is going to immediately start searching for work and lodging in Florida, but neither of us are interested in living there. Wish me the best. It is going to be a busy time, but I hope to chronicle the entire journey here. Stay tuned. I have a feeling that things are going to get interesting.

"We've become bored with watching actors give us phony emotions. We are tired of pyrotechnics and special effects... No scripts, no cue cards. It isn't always Shakespeare, but it's genuine. It's a life."
- Christof, The Truman Show (opening lines)