"Don't confront me with my failures. I have not forgotten them..."

“Whatever you do, you need courage.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Up to this point in my journey along the edge of the abyss, I have only told an extremely small number of select people what is going on inside my head. To me, talking about these changes makes them more real, and that is where fear creeps in... and pounces. I think you, yes you, faithful readers, are the most informed as to what I am thinking. It just seems easier sometimes to tell total strangers these life-shaking thoughts and ideas than telling close family and friends. The few close friends I have told, have reacted in a variety of ways ranging from cautioning me that I'm "getting a little old to start over," to open-mindedly listening to my ideas and helping me strengthen them (thank you Cameron), to selfishly wondering how this will affect their future, to wondering where the money will come from, to support and acceptance. Thus far, I have met some wonderful citizens of Blogville who have been extremely supportive and have allowed me to look over the edge into their abyss as well.

What that brings me to is that today, I have taken a step forward in admitting that this is really happening. It is almost as big for me as the step I took the first day of my personal exploration of these feelings. That day, I looked at apartments. That was terribly frightening. Today, I texted a friend, former Lutheran pastor and former band parent, who is also in the process of becoming an Episcopal priest. Like Cameron, Jeff has been through career change before. His first career was, as I said, as a Lutheran pastor. He left this career when his father became ill so that he could help run the family business of selling high-quality menswear. He recently sold that business and took steps to enter the Episcopalian priesthood at a time when the Episcopal Church is highly unsettled. I set up a meeting with Jeff at a local restaurant for tomorrow evening.

I mentioned my friend Cameron. He has been indispensable to me through all of this. We have talked about intuition, synchronicity, and all of the facets of my potential change of careers. The other night, when I had a particularly strong intuition about something, I mentioned to someone that I should "call Cameron" and discuss it with him. Unbeknownst to me, my phone, which was in its case in my pocket, called him right before I said that. He actually heard me make the statement. Soon after, he hung up and called me back. Talk about synchronicity! Cameron is also a veteran of career change. He left his teaching career several years ago after a number of years as an English teacher at a local high school. He too was given choices much like I have been given, though as an English teacher, his were more restrictive than mine. His choices were leaving the profession or teaching at the county's alternative school. Cameron is now working towards his M.S. online and working in the field of dental prosthetics as a salesman.

“I just wish I could go someplace where nobody knows me.” – Chris, Stand By Me

I guess its easier to share these important matters with strangers because we either feel that they are less likely to judge us, or that if they do, their judgements will matter less to us because we are less connected to them. Those closer to us know all about our past histories, our successes and our failures. We perhaps fear, as my title lyric from Jackson Browne attests, that they will remind us of all the times in the past that we thought we were on the right track, all of our course corrections. If you remember the old television show Cheers, the theme song suggested that sometimes we need to go where everybody knows our names. Lately, I feel the urge to travel to a place where nobody knows my name. I want to be free from the reminders of my past mistakes; free from judgement and scorn. This urge to "get away from it all" has been strong lately. I've told a few friends that I just want to run away sometimes. I assure them that I'll let them know where I've gone once I arrive. I think we all must go through that. The problem is, I'm not sure that I'll know when I arrive at that place. Maybe I will. Maybe my intuition will just let me know with a feeling that says, "I'm home. I have arrived." Or is it a constant journey?

I am reminded of a scene from Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, which was the school play at my high school this year (synchronicity once again):

“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.” - Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

I am still not sure where I am going. One of the most helpful books I have read recently has been Martha Beck's Finding Your Own North Star. The back of the book outlines the four stages of change. The first stage, Square One: Death and Rebirth (ever heard of starting from square one?), is definitely where I am now. I have embraced the Square One mantra, "I don't know what the hell is going on, and that's okay." My wife has not been as accepting of this stage or its associated mantra. She likes to have everything planned out well in advance. I, on the other hand, have never been much for intricate plans. My idea of a detailed plan is deciding where I'm going to eat right before I pull into a restaurant parking lot. Once again, I credit my right-brain creativity and my ADD for this. Still, this stage is frightening. Going through a major crisis like this is much like grieving, it seems. Prior to all this talk of changing my life, I at least could take for granted that I knew what I would be doing for a career for at least the next fourteen years.

What is "The American Dream?" I think, to some extent, that the media and previous generations have given us this imprint of what life is "supposed to" be like. I've spent the last fifteen to twenty years chasing it. Three years ago, we finally bought that "cute little house in the suburbs." Last year, we finished paying for our car, which now needs a number of expensive repairs. Now, I am wondering, "What's so great about the 'American Dream?'" Can it be acceptable to live slightly outside the boundaries of this "paint by number dream" (Jackson Browne, The Pretender)? Maybe I don't want a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence anymore. Maybe I want a little walk-up apartment in the big city. Maybe I don't want to drive the ubiquitous SUV. What if I want to take the bus, or el, or subway instead? Maybe I don't want to sit down in front of the TV after work (I don't do that anyway). Maybe I would rather volunteer my time helping at a homeless shelter or writing a book. I think we're just conditioned to look at some dreams as better than others.

And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
...
And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? ...or am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!...what have I done?
- Talking Heads, Once In a Lifetime

My current career has never afforded me the stereotypical after work "unwinding time" in front of the television. It rarely allows us to even have meals at home. Other than during the summer, when I get a month off, I don't have the time to pursue many interests outside of my career. Sure, I play World of Warcraft (yes, I'm a geek) occasionally, though I don't get to play it much during the school year. I spend some time on the computer. I occasionally get to play Dungeons & Dragons (yes, I'm a true geek) with some of my friends, but once again, not often during the school year. I use the summer to catch up with my friends, to watch all the movies that I missed during the school year and to try to cram in so many other things I deny myself the rest of the year. I used to love watching the leaves change in the fall, but since the fall is my busiest season (marching band), I have not been able to enjoy that since college.

So, needless to say, I don't meet friends for drinks after work. I don't have time to pursue something like writing or helping the homeless. Those things wait for summer. Thankfully, my favorite sport, baseball (go Mets!), is a summer sport. Also, the one television show (Rescue Me) I currently watch is only on in the summer. Still, my one month of vacation is the only time I get the opportunity to indulge in many of my favorite activities, since I work 50-80 hour, 6 day weeks, on average, the rest of the year. I am not sure if that is the lifestyle I want anymore.

Actually, I'm pretty sure its not.

“It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” - Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland