"Since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?"

"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving."
- Lao Tzu

Once again, I spent the majority of my day at my office cleaning. By "majority of my day" I mean over 8 hours. I have 9 rooms there, which include a huge rehearsal hall (which was never big enough when there were 80 people in the space), my office, my color guard instructor's office, a computer lab, an instrument storage room, a uniform storage room, a music library, a general storage room, and two hallways connected by a staircase with a landing. It really is a lot of space, though there has never been enough storage, nor has there been enough rehearsal space. So far, I have taken 7 large plastic crates and a number of miscellaneous items to the storage unit, and 11 sixty gallon trash bags to the dumpsters. I have finished all of the areas except my office and the music library. I wanted to finish all of it by tonight, but I am going to have to delay turning in my resignation letter by a day and finish tomorrow night. I think I can do it. Of course, I thought I could finish it by tonight too.

I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Yet, it still feels liberating. I feel like a skydiver standing in the doorway of the plane. The green light has come on and the signal to jump has been given, but I'm still hanging on, white-knuckled, to the edges of the door. That is the fear holding me in place now that I am within 48 hours of having to stay or resign. I know what I want to do and I know what I need to do, but I am in one of those Square One moments. The moment of truth approaches.

"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing at all." - Helen Keller

I did find today that I am more caught up in the process while I'm cleaning than the emotion. The first two days I was extremely emotionally involved, but today a sort of detachment set in and it became a process. I guess that's a good thing. I got a large portion of my office finished today, but not all of it. So far, cleaning out my office has not evoked very much emotion at all. It was still the bare walls of the rehearsal hall that struck me the most as I was leaving again today. I really can't wait to be finished. I really hope I have the courage to follow through with this. If I don't, I know that I will be extremely unhappy and my stress level will skyrocket, as I will have to engage in a flurry of activity to prepare for the beginning of marching band camp when the "rookies" are scheduled to begin, along with drum line, student leaders, and color guard, in about two weeks. I think I would be burned out before the actual school year even started.

"This above all: to thine own self be true.” – William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Now it is up to me to be true to myself. It is up to me to let go of that door frame and trust my parachute to open when it's supposed to open. I know that when it opens, the ride to the ground and the landing itself will be breathtaking, exhilarating experiences. I just have the fear that it will fail to open and the ride to the ground and landing will be quick and painful. I still can't wait to have this all behind me so I can find something to temporarily bring in money, hopefully enough to pay the mortgage and other bills until I can begin writing and hopefully get something accepted for publication. I am going to start sending out inquiries as soon as I finish cleaning out my office and putting this life behind me. I can't wait to start my next chapter. Once again, fear exists. Will anyone like my writing? Will I get anything accepted for publication, or will I just receive an endless stream of form rejection letters. I've already begun searching for ideas and outlets for free-lance writing. I also have my Writer's Market ready to go. I haven't had a chance to even open it yet, because I've been so busy cleaning out the baggage of my past career. I feel like I can do this. I just hope the people that count think I can, those in charge of accepting work for publication.

"To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life." - Robert Louis Stevenson

Tomorrow, I plan to spend the morning writing my response to the letter I received when I last met with my principal, as well as re-writing my resignation letter. I also need to clean out my laptop bag and transfer any important documents from my laptop to a CD-ROM or zip drive. I hope I can get through the day without any work-related emergencies or other delays. My plan is to turn in everything on Tuesday morning. I pray for the courage to pull this off and I pray that everything goes smoothly. Any thoughts or prayers or positive energy that could be sent my way would be appreciated greatly.

“I've been trying to remember things, CLEARLY remember things, from my past, but the more I try to think back, the more it all starts to unravel. None of it seems real. It's like I've just been dreaming this life, and when I finally wake up, I'll be somebody else. Somebody totally different!” – Walenski, Dark City




Last night, I awarded my 5 Thinking Blogger Awards. Tonight, it is my honor to award my 5 Schmoozing Blogger Awards. Even though my two lists will be similar, I chose not to tie the awards to one another and to allow myself the option of selecting different recipients if I so choose. Before I share my recipients, it is once again time for the fine print. If you are chosen for this award, here are the rules:

1. If, and only if, you get The Power of Schmooze Award, write a post with links to 5 blogs that have schmoozed you into submission.
2. Link to Mike if you receive the Schmoozing Blogger Award, so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Schmoozing Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

Ladies and gentlemen, the envelope please. Our five nominees for The Power of Schmooze Award are:

1. Controlled Chaos
2. Faith Dance
3. Manicmanicurist
4. My Rearview Mirror
5. Seiche

As you can see, most of the recipients are the same as for the Thinking Blogger Award. I did want to separate the two awards though, so that they didn't always have to be linked. There are some bloggers out there who are truly Thinking Bloggers, but don't like to draw attention to themselves. There are also just some really nice people out there who are great at promoting their blogs, but the focus of the blog may be on a hobby, or may just be fun. While sometimes thought-provoking, these bloggers are always contributing to the blogging community. So, congratulations to my 5 recipients!

Well, it seems that is as far as I can travel with you tonight. A comfortable bed and 6 or 7 hours of sleep are calling to me. I was watching Ice Road Truckers on History Channel when I got home and I have at least discovered one career I definitely do NOT want. I usually don't watch much television at all, but I sometimes enjoy some of those channels with higher numbers. This interesting show also got me thinking about the traveling metaphor. This is truly a journey with no set destination at which we can safely arrive in this lifetime. It is the journey that is important.

I am setting off without fixed plans. I'm glad you choose to accompany me on my journey. We all need good company on a long and dangerous trip.

"Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels,
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels."
- Jackson Browne, Running On Empty