"It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)."

"Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again."
- Copeland, When Finally Set Free

It is time to end the suspense, for all of us. I just got home from the school. I went to my office and removed the last of the files I wanted to keep from my computer and the network, then I steeled myself and located my principal, who was in the guidance office.

I would like to thank all of you for your thoughts, positive energy, good vibes, and prayers. The meeting went well. I handed him my response to the letter he gave me at our last meeting. Then told him I could no longer do my job. I handed him my letter of resignation and gave him a chance to read it. He was definitely surprised. He admitted that the letter had been a bit of a strong-arm tactic to get me to stop upsetting people enough that they complained to him. I told him that it was not simply a matter of the letter, it was a career that no longer fit me. We talked quite amicably about everything and he apologized for anything that I might have been offended by and I did the same. He even told me he would remove the letter from my personnel file and give me a positive reference. I had asked for a sealed personnel file and a neutral reference, so I was pleasantly surprised by this. He told my that this was the first case in his entire career when someone was leaving the profession who he felt needed to stay in it.

I told him about the stress-related health problems and my inability to provide any care for my father due to the hours and commitment the job demanded. My father is unable to walk more than a few steps now, and my mother also needs transportation to doctor's appointments and such that he cannot provide for her. They can be complete jerks at times, but they are still my parents. They won't be around much longer and I need to make the most of the time we have left.

So, at least things went as amicably as possible. It was better than I even hoped for actually. He seemed to understand my reasons and rationale for resigning and also seemed to hold no animosity towards me for anything. Hopefully, this holds. I have taken three calls since I left there. They were from my wife, my color guard instructor, and Cameron. I texted them as soon as I was finished, along with the other staff member and the former band parent who has done some pastoral counseling for me. I am now a former band director.

Out of reflex or instinct, or self-preservation, or whatever it is, I had the normal reaction after I left the school and started thinking, "Maybe I could've worked things out and stayed." I was quickly reminded by my wife that my problems would not have gone away. My lack of satisfaction, my health problems, my overwhelming time commitments and stress would all be right there waiting for me. I would never have gotten to see the side of my principal that I got to see today that made me think about returning in the first place. He tried to talk me into staying, but saw that I was determined. I think it's natural that as soon as we do leave the plane, we turn around to find it and try to grab at it as it leaves us there, floating in space. We see our security flying away from us and all we have is this scrap of cloth that is supposed to open in time to slow our descent, but we never really know if it will work.

"I can feel something leaving
That was a part of me."
- October Fall, A Part of Me

Cameron told me that he misses teaching every day of his life. Only time will tell if I feel the same or not. That identity has been a part of me for so long, that it is hard to tell how I will feel as it becomes a part of my past. Cameron's words of wisdom were to get reacquainted with the person that I was before I became Mr. Teacher. He said I haven't hung out with that person in so long that I probably don't remember what he was like. He's almost right. I started letting that person come out recently. I think he's a pretty good guy. He's not perfect. He has room to grow and improve. Now, maybe he can take the time to do that.

Of course, I still have to inform my parents of this change. My wife is going to handle telling her mother and she even offered to tell my parents, since she thinks they would be less verbally abusive with her, but I have graciously turned that offer down. I don't want to put her through that. I will face whatever they have to offer. I will probably need to inform them by the end of this week. I will also begin telling some of my now former students this evening. It is going to hurt them, but in the end, I think it will be an opportunity for them to grow as well.

I feel like a weight has lifted from my shoulders. I know that is a cliche, but it is a great description of how this feels. Maybe that's why it's become a cliche. The last two nights brought back many of the old health problems, the stomach problems, the insomnia. Early this morning, I finally made a conscious effort to let it go until morning. When I did that, I felt muscles unclench that had been clenched for years. I still have that feeling. Knots in my muscles that have been tied tight for as long as I can remember are loosening. I feel like I'm expanding if that makes any sense. The best I can put it is that the skin I have been shedding has finally completely come off and I am able to grow again and fill this new skin. I look forward to the new adventure.

Like my title, borrowed from R.E.M., indicates, I don't have the feeling of catastrophe that might be expected or reasonable. I feel fine right now. I just need to find a way to start making enough money to pay the bills and live. That search begins tomorrow. For the next few hours, I'm just going to enjoy being alive and free. I have let go of the airplane and am floating freely. The parachute hasn't opened yet, but I am floating among the clouds, confident that it will indeed open. I have no choice. This is where I am and what I am doing. This is who I am right now.


All Things New Again - The Wallflowers

New heaven over a brand new sky
New breed of wonder on the vine
Among the living
There is new promise in this night

New arms to hold back the revolution
New eyes to recognize what you've become
New blood to recover
A new will to honor all God's creations

All things are new again
Within and without
All things are new again

New shepherd roaming through the tall grass
A new temple rising through the falling ash
That buries the tracks
Of millions of boots marching in packs

Clear water rolling through the dam's collapse
Out to the harbor where they're sailing back
New flag on the mast
Without any secrets, without any past

All things are new again
Within and without
Sooner or later the ending begins
Just then it can be said that all things are new again

New ghost returning to the earth beneath the haze
New poets burning through the lines of every page
I'm am unpainted portrait
I am staring at a new sunset
Without any memories yet

All things are new again
Within and without
Sooner or later the ending begins
Just then it can be said that all things are new again
Within and without
Sooner or later every season ends
Then forever it can be said that all things are new again