"The hardest part isn't finding what we need to be, it's being content with who we are."

“From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life.” - Anais Nin

I have found joy in doing some of the simple things that I used to like to do before life got crazy. I don't know exactly when life got so crazy that I couldn't enjoy them, or didn't even have time to do them anymore. It was like the heat was turned up so slowly that I never noticed the point at which it was hot enough to cause pain. All of a sudden I was boiling alive and had to jump out of the pot.

One of the things I've been doing lately is cooking dinner. I always enjoyed cooking, but sometime over the past eight years I ceased having the time to do it. When I did have the time, I was too exhausted to do it. It was no longer enjoyable even when I did have the time. At some point since I took this last job back in 1999, we started eating out almost every night. Since I was getting home after 7:00 p.m. pretty much every night, and sometimes as late as midnight, it just didn't make sense to eat at home. Anybody who eats in restaurants regularly knows that it is expensive and not very healthy. There just didn't seem to be a way around it.

Since the end of June, I have begun cooking at home again. I really enjoy creating my own recipes and experimenting with food. I am a creative person. Be it cooking, writing, improvising music, or whatever, I enjoy the act of creating. I never write my recipes down, but I can usually recreate my culinary experiments when I happen upon something that turns out good. Today was one of those days. It's strange. I'm 100% Dutch-American, yet I am crazy about ethnic food. I love to create Cajun or southwestern recipes. Today's creation was a lime-cilantro chicken and rice bake. I usually don't brag, but I think it turned out to be very tasty.

I am so happy to be able to partake in this simple pleasure once again. I hope to discover more of what gives me joy as I go through this transition in my life.

"Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power." - Shirley MacLaine

The booster club president has called me twice since their meeting on Sunday, but the first time I was eating dinner with my parents last night and the second time I was resting a sore leg this evening. He didn't leave a message either time. I know I need to call him back, but I know it will be a long conversation and at this point, engaging in long, drawn-out conversations relating to my former job still makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not sure exactly why this visceral reaction is still so strong, but it is. I just feel a need to have these conversations when I'm alert and strong and I refuse to have them when I am spending time with family. His daughter, the color guard instructor has texted me as well, telling me we need to talk. I replied to her text last night, but she never replied back. She texted me again while I was resting this evening, but I have not texted her back yet. Once again, I know this will be a long conversation and it evokes the same reactions in my body. Sometimes I feel so weak because the stress of this job has caused me all of these health problems. I have always handled stress well. I don't know why it started to make me so sick the last year or two. I just feel bad that I couldn't and still can't handle this stress.

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall -- think of it, ALWAYS." - Mahatma Gandhi

The band captain texted me this evening and we once again had a pleasant conversation via text. She thanked me for making it a priority to take care of myself. She said I gave so much of myself to the job that she could see my health and enthusiasm deteriorating over the past year. Then she emailed me a comment that was posted about me online by one of the students that is going to be a student leader this year. This is a student that I loaned my expensive trumpet to because his parents didn't support his musical pursuits and refused to buy him a trumpet. When his parents refused to give him a ride to band events his freshman year, I found students and parents who were willing to drive him to and from every event. Apparently, a number of students had been expressing their disappointment in my resignation online the past few days. His response was somewhat negative.

"I'm disappointed some people are disappointed. He wasn't a good teacher. We deserve better." - Michael

The reason she sent me this via email was because of the response it received from an alumni who considers herself one of his best friends. These are postings on a public forum, so I am reprinting them here to show context.

"You're entitled to your.. whatever. But to be honest, he WAS a good teacher. You know I'd back you in anything you said, and I know you have your reasons, and I understand what you're saying... but maybe it was before your time, that his light truly shone in our bleak little musical world... If it weren't for him, I wouldn't WANT to be a music teacher. Because of him, I want to be a teacher such as the one he once was. He didn't lose it, he didn't lose sight of the music...He simply lost sight of himself. He let others do this TO him... He just got lost in it all. And I have no doubt that he's going to be back. Very doubtfully as a teacher at your high school... but as himself. He probably needed this. A period of reflection, etc. Michael... I know you have a lot of resentment. But just remember, there are always hidden sides to every story. " - Christine

Now, this student has not always been my most ardent supporter, but she knows that I have been there for her when she had nobody else. She considers me one of her strongest role models. This is a student from an extremely low socio-economic background. She has been the victim of abuse and abject poverty. She has struggled with addiction and loss. I don't blame her for not supporting me at times and even working against me sometimes. She is a scared, lost teenager. But it comforts me that she does see things from such a mature perspective. Once again, this alumni was a former leader who has been through my leadership training seminars. She is going to college to major in music education, in large part, because of my influence.

"Change everything except your loves." - Voltaire

Don't think that I'm focusing on the short negative comment from the first student. It appears here to give context to the part of the story that matters. This student, the band captain, Ben, the other two students I have spoken to at length, are examples of success. As long as I have touched these lives... even if I have touched only one, it was all worth it. I can leave this job, this career, knowing that I have made a difference. This makes me a success, no matter what mistakes I may have made. As my title, taken from The Ataris, The Hero Dies In This One says, it is difficult being content with who we are. I am on the way. Or maybe I am becoming a person whom I am content to be.

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." - Victor Hugo


Now I must honor some Thoughtful Bloggers. I have waited long enough to distribute these to some deserving fellow residents of Blogville. First, the fine print:

1) If you have received an award simply choose either the dark or light background image and save it to your files, then post it proudly on your blog!

2) Pass the award on to five other people, you can choose any of the awards from the series, you do not have to pass out the exact award you received. Choose whichever of the awards below that you'd like to give out. You can give out one of each or five of the same one, whatever you prefer.

3) You can change the size and color of awards to suit your blog, that's up to you, it's your blog, just leave the titles the same.

4) Please link back to this post so that people can read these rules and so that the meanings of the awards will not be lost.


Here are my five recipients:

1. Loz at Midlife - A Journey - Loz is always supportive and friendly, and an awesome blogger
2. Bobby Revell of Revellian - Revellian does everything he can to promote his fellow bloggers
3. Josie of Picking Up the Pieces - An all-around nice person and a good writer
4. Zirelda at No... This Is Z's Thing - Another nice person with a great blog
5. Sandi the Manicmanicurist - A great supporter and a good friend who is always ready to help

I know that some of these bloggers have received awards from me already, but I strongly feel that they all deserve this award. Go check out their blogs and see for yourself.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.” - Margaret Mead