"I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain."

“You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, ‘Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.’ Don't be resigned to that. Break out!” – John Keating, Dead Poets Society

This evening, I had another meeting with Jeff. We set it up on Thursday after my meeting with my principal. We spent about an hour-and-a-half debriefing the details of that meeting and brainstorming about where I go from here. I felt greatly relieved after we finished talking. I know its a cliche, but it really is like a weight lifting from my shoulders. Jeff said I had enough of the symptoms that I probably was actually suffering from depression for a while, but that I didn't seem to be at this point. Now, I think I may actually be excited. Hence, my quote above from The Shawshank Redemption.

“Breakdown is always in the service of breakthrough.” – Martin Heidegger

We talked about the opportunity to for me to find what I really am now. I have done a lot of assessment of my gifts this weekend. I was somewhat alarmed when I realized that my role model as a teacher is a fictional character who was fired for his teaching methods; John Keating from Dead Poets' Society. I had never thought about that before. Importantly, I learned that it was never the actual teaching that I loved. I have come to the conclusion that it is the connection with people, making them happy, helping with their problems, and giving them the tools to be the best they could be. Also, I discovered, by looking at my work history and hobbies, that I have thrived in situations where I was involved in creation. My first teaching assignment was at a school that had no band program for at least four years before I worked there. My second position was at a totally new school, but I kept some of the same students from my previous school. I was at each of those jobs for 3 years, totalling 6 years. My main tasks involved creating a framework and curriculum for the band program, recruiting students, and establishing new facets of the program, such as a competitive marching band, a jazz ensemble, a music theory program, a leadership training program, uniform designs, etc.

My current, soon to be former, position had previously had the same band director for the past 29 years before my arrival. He retired immediately before my arrival and many facets of the program were undeveloped or underdeveloped. This once again gave me the opportunity to build and create many of the same things I had spent the previous 6 years creating. I looked carefully at when things started to go poorly for me in this job. This began to happen two years ago... after 6 years in the job.

This leads me to the conclusion that my talents lie in creation and not maintenance. My hobbies include music, writing, model railroading, DMing (Dungeons & Dragons); all creative hobbies. I enjoy creating my own world, my own circumstances. So, I enjoy creation and relation. Now, I need to turn these things into a career. I am working on refining my ideas on how to do this.

"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be."—Abraham Maslow

I still have not told my parents about any of this. They are the type that, when I got into a fight in grade school, would ask what I did to cause it. Whenever I have vented any problems or dissatisfaction to them, they have always assumed I did something to cause my own problems. I'm still, to large extent, an irresponsible child to them. I also dread telling a few of my friends. One of my former students, who served on my staff last year, is going to be devastated and furious. I already know that most of my alumni are going to be unhappy, as are my current students. I have learned that I have to live my life for me though. This is about me. It is my chance to be the person I can be... maybe my only chance.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."—Ralph Waldo Emerson