"Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year"

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” – Carl Jung

I seem to have survived my entry into blogdom, since this is my second post. I have done a lot of soul searching and researching since my first post. Let's hope I don't fall victim to the legendary "sophomore slump" with this entry. Keep your fingers crossed, take a deep breath and read on!

The quote I used to begin this post was one that I used in my commencement speech when I was Teacher of the Year. You see, at my school, the "reigning" Teacher of the Year has the honor of delivering the commencement speech at the end of the year. Last year, at the conclusion of my ToY year, it was my turn to give the speech. Ironically, I believe it was this speech which started the germination of the ideas that have led to my consideration of a career change. The speech was based on the concept of "giving birth to your true self." I wrote it in a fairly short amount of time. Once I decided on my theme, the words just flowed. I didn't realize at the time, or even when I was delivering the speech, that the reason it flowed so easily was that the theme spoke to something inside my heart. I know, it sounds trite and cliched, but the truth of that has really sunk in now. I am in the process of "giving birth" to my true self.

"Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality." - Erich Fromm

As with any birth, these transitions can be painful. I read recently that periods of deep personal transition are as painful as dying, while giving birth at the same time. That made me pause. Do I really want that much pain? Is it worth it? I could continue my life as it is. I could deny this urge to change everything. Except, can I really? I've given that a lot of thought. I realized that if I attempt to deny this urge for change, that I will continue the downward spiral. Do I still love what I do? Yes, I love to touch the lives of young people. I care greatly about all of the students I teach. I am still in contact with many of my former students and am fortunate to consider several of them friends. However, this career that has served me so well for so long is no longer something I am passionate about.

I examined my passions in my job this year. I looked at what really excited me. The most exciting parts of my job were my leadership training seminars, my jazz ensemble, and the time I could spend mentoring and counseling my students. There are so many aspects of the job that have become a burden. I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning and get excited about the day ahead. Most important, I find myself second guessing everything I do based on my considerations of "audience perception." I am, quite frankly, tired of being under the microscope of judgement.

There is a particular parent who has initiated the negative publicity campaign this year. She has started and spread rumors about me, my marriage, my wife, my motivations, my interactions with my students and staff, and generally engaged in producing an extremely hostile work environment. She is employed by a law firm and her child is one of the most academically and musically gifted children at my school. This gives her tremendous credibility with the administration. She also operates under the premise that she is a "good Christian woman." In my experience, people who proclaim their status as "good Christian" people to the general public, at least around this area, are referring to a legalistic mentality. They seem to feel that they have a right to judge others and enforce their concepts of morality based on assumptions and speculation.

Don't misunderstand me. I am NOT defaming Christians or blaming religion at all. As I said in my previous post, I am a Christian, though my theology differs somewhat from local norms. I just know what this person, Christian or not, has done to me, to my life, my career, and even to my marriage. Do I blame her for all of my problems, or even the majority of them? No, of course not. I make my own decisions. I realize that I could have made some changes to appease her and the other parents whose support she had garnered. Those changes would have cost me the freedom to make decisions that I felt were in the best interests of my program, and most importantly, my students. In the end, I lost this freedom anyway. Did I make all of the right decisions? I am certain that I did not. However, I have lived my life with the mentality that I should not regret anything that I have done. I know that who I am is the sum of my life's experiences. I am shaped by the events of my life. It is my responsibility to take those events and allow them to shape me. If I do not, then I am bound to repeat the same mistakes for the rest of my life. We already repeat many of our mistakes, even with the knowledge of them and a conscious desire to avoid that repetition.

I know that this post may seem like a rant. There appears to be quite a bit of negativity in this collection of words. Ranting is not my purpose here in Blogville. I do think that with any change, there must be a certain amount of purification. Consider it a mental housecleaning. I am rearranging my mental furniture and disposing of the items which don't fit into my new design. I'm picturing the mental version of an avocado green vinyl sofa with wooden arms and stuffing sticking out through the cracks in the vinyl. My first office had one of those sofas. It was there when I moved into the office and I never got around to replacing it in the three years I was there. The price was right. It is time to get that ugly furniture out of my mind.

The problem with all of this is, like all humans, my greatest fear is fear of the unknown. I really don't know where I want to go next. I am trying to surrender control of my future, while in reality, I know that I was never really in control in the first place.

We've traveled like gypsies
Only with worse luck and far less gold
We're the kids you used to love
But then we grew old
We're the lifers here till the bitter end
Condemned from the start
- Fall Out Boy, Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year